“Hello
Greetings from Sabah Holidays!
Hope this email fine you well. Hi, my name is Ms XXX, I believe that you have met up with our Sales Representative during the Fascinating Malaysia 2008 Fair in Singapore recently.
Have you fix your date for Mt Climbing in Sabah yet? Can you enlighten me when is the date you would like to climb the mount Kinabalu, so that we can check the availibility of the lodge.
2. How many climbers?
3. How many days would you like to stay in KK?
Looking forward to hear from you soonest.
Kind regards
MS XXXCustomer Service Executive(Their Company name and Address) (Their Contact Details)”
I received this e-mail last year in December when I was looking for tour packages to trek up Mount Kinabalu with my friends. In general, I feel that this mail has fulfilled some of the 7Cs in writing. Firstly, the mail was written in a courteous tone, it adopts a you-attitude, focusing mainly on the recipient of the e-mail. For example, the sentence: “Can you enlighten me when is the date you would like to climb the mount Kinabalu.” could have easily been written as: “I need to know the dates which you would like to climb mount Kinabalu.” which would have sounded less courteous. Secondly, the e-mail is concise as it avoids the use of redundant words and expressions.
However, there are also parts of the 7Cs which the e-mail did not fulfill. Firstly, the mail had several grammatical errors. For example, the sentence: “Looking forward to hear from you soonest.” should have been written as: “Looking forward to hear from you soon.” This goes against “correctness” of the 7Cs. Secondly, I feel that the e-mail is lacking in cohesion. The sudden jump from “….Fair in Singapore recently.” to “Have you fix your date…….” could have been better linked together by a sentence such as: “There are several information that we would need you to provide. Firstly, have you fixed….”
I feel that there are several other improvements that can be made with this e-mail. As it is a supposed to be a formal letter, the use of “Dear Mr YYY” would be better than just a plain “Hello” Furthermore, I feel that the sender should also have included the location and date of the fair that I met the sales representative. It is quite possible that I had been looking around at other tour agencies and at other fairs and I will not be able to remember which fair and which sales representative the sender has mentioned.
On the other hand, I feel that the signing off is appropriate in the context of a business correspondence. By including the company’s address and contact details, I was reassured that it is from a legitimate company and that the mail isn’t some “spam-mail”.
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Hi Raydon,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that it would be much better if the sender has addressed the email with the recipient's name on it. Such an approach would allow the recipient to feel that the email is written specially for him or her and not just another email written for mass dissemination by the company.
As for the middle paragraph, even though the sender has adopted a you-attitude, I feel that there are still rooms for improvement. Asking so many questions continuously may pressurize the reader. It would have been better if the sender paraphrase some of the questions to proper statements.
Hi Hong Quan
ReplyDeleteI agree with Trina that the email lacks correctness and this conveys a lack of professionalism on the part of the company. In addition, the email seems a little abrupt in asking details about your mountain climbing trip, especially when you have yet to decide to sign up for the tour package. It would have been more appropriate to first ask if you were still interested in signing up for the tour package first, before following up on subsequent emails.
Hello Hong Quan,
ReplyDeleteAll the 7Cs are equally important in writing a good business correspondence but I feel that 'Correctness' is one of the more important characteristic among the seven. Unfortunately, this is lacking in the email you received.
I believe that a good command of the language with elimination of spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors creates a good first impression. Information in a business correspondence with a poor command of the language maybe misintepreted by the reader. Credibility of the source is questioned too when 'Correctness' is not met as one would feel that the business letter or email may be a scam.
In extreme cases, for a reader whose command of the language is weak, 'Hope this email fine you...' could be interpreted as a fine (money paid as a penalty) and the reader may get flustered over nothing.
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ReplyDeleteHi Hong Quan,
ReplyDeleteOn top of the points that you, Mei Hui and Trina brought up about the lack of correctness in this email, I would like to add that her way of questioning was not very appropriate as well. If the sender wants to ask a few questions, it would be better if she could list all of them either in point form or in paragraph. By asking questions in paragraph and then point form does not reflect well on her command of language.
Even if it was acceptable, I think that the numbering of questions was wrong too. The numbering was started with two instead of one. And she had actually asked two questions before the question “How many climbers?”
The email is friendly but amateurish which could lead you to question whether their whole organisaton is like that. For me it is good that the writer gets down to business asking for dates etc but there is no mention of cost at all. Perhaps this is something you know already but if you don't, I would get the feeling that I was being 'railroaded without them considering my concerns.'
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson
Hi Hongquan,
ReplyDeleteA reason to why they did not address the mail to you straight could be that they are sending this as a mass mailer. While it may be more convenient for them, it is at the expanse of making the customer feel more valued.